woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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