My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
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