I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i want to swaddle you in tequila
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Randomize
