Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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