He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
