I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
