i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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