you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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