Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
this beer tastes like vomit already
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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