My boss' voice literally gives me gas
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
