i was born a porn star she said
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
