Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
