6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
