I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
