Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
