I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
