i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
