soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
