So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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