They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
