once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
