At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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