I bet he comes in French.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Randomize
