So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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