u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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