Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
