The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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