fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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