I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
