bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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