You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
kristin has been a bad kristin
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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