Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
