I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
