it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
