Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
