I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
