What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
