I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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