the condom got lost in my hair
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
