so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
