Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
