So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
