Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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