My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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