She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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