I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
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I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
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Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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