remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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