you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
