yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
