The maid of honor just puked.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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