Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
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