Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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