Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
