Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
