I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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