I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
