i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
